How to throw a cocktail party

...a 10-point plan

What with it being the season and all - and hang on, isn’t Thanksgiving actually today? - I figured it would be useful to compile some advice for those of you who are hosting. And also, some impetus for those of you who are thinking of hosting. Because as diverting as it is to prepare a Brandy Milk Punch for oneself of a winter eve, it is 100x more fun to drink Brandy Milk Punches with all of your favourite people in a room. Some people fear hosting. I don’t, I love it and see it as the logical endpoint of becoming good at making cocktails. I can’t remember who it was who wrote that the most important thing about cocktails - alcoholic or not, I should add - is that they make people happy. “Honestly, people really light up when you offer to make them a cocktail. If there’s one thing that you need to know to make good cocktails, it’s that. Why would you not want that for as many people as possible?”

In other words, we’re all coming to your house. Next Friday? Great.

Naturally, constitutions and temperaments differ. It may be that nothing less than a strangers having sex in corners type of party will do for you. It may be that throwing a few random acquaintances together is all the fun you need. In all cases, however, I feel you’re aiming for a certain alchemy. A good party is exponential, it’s what happens when spirits multiply and the bowl overflows. It’s the work of a few moments. But you can feel them for days, weeks, sometimes years afterwards. Cocktails, says the authoritative volume quoted above “provide the feeling that this moment is special and that feelings and moments are important.”

So I’m afraid there’s no getting out of it. What there’s no time before Christmas? Well, some of the best parties I’ve hosted have been in January. Step to it. Here’s how.

1. Just fucking do it.

Seriously. There are 305 reasons not to have party. I mean, that horrible damp patch on your wall, for a start - no one wants to look at that! The size of your home, the reluctance of your children to go to bed in a timely manner... Also, do you know enough cool people? Is there enough time between now and Advent? Won’t everyone be busy? What if everyone laughs at your drapes?

None of these are good reasons. The fact is, if someone says: ‘Hey, we’re having some friends over for cocktails - come?’ You’ll probably be quite pleased. Particularly if you know that this person has been talking about this great cocktail newsletter they subscribe to and how it had really upped their mixing game. You might even think it incumbent on this friend of your to have a few of the rest of you over for cocktails. Particularly as all you really need to do these days is create a WhatsApp group entitled “PARTY”, add various acquaintances and hit send. No one will mind the damp patch on the wall besides you. Although you should think about changing your drapes.

2. Don’t overthink the guestlist.

It’s so tempting to curate. It’s so easy to think, ah but what do these disparate people in my life have in common? And also, what if Terence gets talking to Diane, it will be a FUCKING DISASTER! But here’s the thing. Your friends are adults (even Diane, technically) and they will have hopefully worked out how to be civil and interesting around other adults by now.

In fact, I would advise actively inviting incongruous groups of people from your life alone (as per this rather good Vox article). It’s more generous, I feel? Try to include: someone you just met the other day who seems interesting; someone who has known you your whole life; one or more actual neighbours; someone who is on holiday in your country; someone who just got home after a long trip; someone who has recently moved to the area; someone who seems interesting but it would be a bit much to invite them over to dinner; the chief of the fire dept; a member of the clergy; two or three people who can perform a musical number in a tight spot; an ex-con; at least three people you fancy; and as wide a varity of ages as possible. OK, seriously, I suppose the main point is, if you JUST invite colleagues or people from the school gate - or solely members of the clergy - you will end up talking about the same boring stuff you talk about every day. Throw them all together and: gesundheit! Hopefully.

Naturally, you want to set a number that is within your level of whelm. I mean you don’t want to be either over- or underwhelmed by guests. You will want to ensure three or four of your most reliable friends are available too - I mean those who can be relied upon to mix drinks, fix playlists, talk down Diane, etc. But be warned. No matter how pessimistic you are about RSVPs, the house is always 31% more full than you mentally envisioned.

3. Start making ice now.

Probably 70% of house parties founder on inadequate ice. A tray will not cut it and nor will a bag of supermarket ice. Clear a shelf of your freezer and begin ice production a week in advance. Continually freeze water in takeway containers, hack up these blocks into glass-ready sizes, freeze some more ice and so on. You might choose to leave some large lumps (e.g. for punch bowls) and some smaller ones to fit in glass. You never want to serve a drink that is supposed to be cold at room temperature. Trust me: this will make FAR MORE DIFFERENCE to the perception of your drink-making than, for example, the price of your booze.

While we’re on the subject: make sure you have fridge space available for the inevitable beers, wines, soft drinks, etc when they start arriving on the day. You don’t want them balancing on half-eaten lentil dishes.

4. Set expectations re: food

It may be that you are in fact Jesus and 5,000 hungry mouths are no problem to you. It may be that you are hosting Thanksgiving in a moment! Whatever: be absolutely straight with your guest’s gullets beforehand. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to say in a WhatsApp reminder message 24 hours before an event (see #5m below) “There will be some food but I’d recommend having dinner beforehand”. I’d want to know that if I were going to your party.

But there should be some zakuski - as the Russians call “drinking food”. It’s just civilised. Nuts, olives, crisps, salty whatnots, a big blue cheese dip and some celery sticks, bits of charcuterie, slices of Spanish tortilla, that sort of thing. Maybe not those marinaded anchovies because they’re difficult to eat while remaining elegant. Oh, you know what would be a good idea though? A big plate of gilda pintxos. If you’re thinking more substantial? I’m personally in favour of the handheld: samosas, empanadas, sausage rolls, boreks, pierogi, those little cheese pies you made last time, hell, you might even devil some eggs. But this should certainly not require you to go back and forth to the oven all evening, Mercy, no. You are a host not a martyr.

5. Make a playlist

I have just the playlist for you, in fact! Music is absolutely crucial and should not be left to the last minute. In fact, make two playlists. One for talking, one for dancing. Actually, I would add, make sure your GODDAM SONOS IS WORKING PROPERLY.

6. Send a reminder 24 hours before the party

You’ll want a final head-count obviously and your guests will want to know your address, whether to eat beforehand (see rule 4), what to wear (if anything) and also what to bring.

Because: watch out! For some reason, even in 2023, the words “COCKTAIL PARTY!” seem to call forth random bottles of José Cuervo paint-stripper, expired Baileys, novelty liqueurs - and somehow never the artisanal vermouths and rare editions of Chartreuse one would ideally like. Even asking for something specific and useful like “gin” or “rum” can be perilous. I’ll wager that you’ll end up with spiced rum. Or worse: 25 bottles of spiced rum.

I suppose you could be super-specific: “Mount Gay Eclipse/Elijah Craig Bourbon/Antica Formula/Tarragona Chatreuse please!” But people will think you’re an arsehole. And it’s on you to provide the core alcohol. Ask your guests instead to bring wine or beer or “whatever you like to drink”. Tactful when you have teetotallers coming. And also, beer and wine is good, because people can open it themselves. But probably the best injunction is: “Bring fizz.” Most people will bring prosecco. Some might bring champagne. These can popped on the spot, saved as party currency for later in the season, or else incorporated into cocktails; see rule 7.

7. Make it easy on yourself

OK, this is super-important. You are not going to be making individual cocktails for people. Maybe you will towards the end - but don’t plan this. Also your cocktails are unlikely to be served to your usual perfect standards. Embrace this. However adept you are at fixing Pisco Sours for yourself, it’s really difficult preparing them for fresh waves of guests as they pour through the door. Even making cocktails for three is more of a faff than you think. You’ll be separating the eggs for the Reverend and then Samantha and the girls will arrive demanding Negronis… and things will soon get out of hand.

Even if you are only having a handful of people over and want to try your hand at a range of live cocktails, please: squeeze lemons/limes in advance, cut the garnishes, freeze glasses, maybe even batch certain ingredients. But in all cases, you will need something ready to pour the moment they come in with their annoying coats. (It’s winter. Have a coat strategy).

This isn’t just about liquoring people up. It’s about setting the tone. See 8.

8. Make a large quantity of something delicious

The way I see it, there are four options.

a) PUNCH. The best of these is the drink that is DESIGNED FOR PRECISELY THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. I mean punch. The basic RUM PUNCH is infinitely adaptable. Here are four further recipes if that doesn’t cut it (my famous PNIN’S PUNCH; a CLARIFIED MILK PUNCH that I have served with enormous success at parties before; a non-alcoholic APPLE PIE PUNCH, remember those guys too; and the MULLED NEGRONI). A hot punch is a great idea in winter as it will fill the house with inviting aromas. I’ve included a tried and tested recipe for CARAMELISED PINEAPPLE PUNCH at the bottom. Make a ritual of the preparation. And do this WELL IN ADVANCE so all you have to do is warm five minutes before the guests arrive. I can’t tell you how much time it will save throughout the evening to have a big vat of something that guests can serve themselves.

b) A LARGE JUG. Other reliably crowd-pleasing cocktails that batch well include PALOMAS, JUNGLE BIRDS and variants, NEGRONIS, CAROUSELS (kind of a winter Negroni) and I bet you could figure out a cold weather version of the KING OF CUPS too. While punches should be served in bowls, these can be made in jugs and kept in the fridge - and perhaps withdrawn later - and maybe even thrown together live if you’re in a tight spot. The GINGER ROGERS PUNCH is a good house party standby in this vein. For 12 people, muddle 8 mint stprigs with a bottle of gin (700ml), the juice of four limes, 1 litre of ginger beer, a heft glug of Angostura bitters and maybe a dash of sugar syrup (or something else sweet) if you feel it’s required.

c) A FIZZ-BATCH. Remember! People are bringing “fizz”. Use it. A good strategy is to make a base of something that can be topped up. For example: 50/50 Campari and Italian vermouth, well-iced in a jug. Top this up with prosecco in individual glasses and have yourselves NEGRONI SBAGLIATI. And I hardly need to tell you that you can top it up with fizzy water for Americanos (good for a long night drinking), gin for Negronis, bourbon for Boulevardiers, tequila for Rositas, etc…. The principle works with the Gin Sour too - top it with fizz and you have French 75s. Or even something like a Brandy Old Fashioned which becomes a Champagne Cocktail when fizz is applied.

d) A LITTLE SOMETHING. Oh and do keep something in reserve. I hosted a fun party this summer where I made a batch of MARTIKI and kept it in an old rum bottle in the the FREEZER. Alcohol over ~33% ABV or so should be “safe” to put in a freezer, so a Dry Martini, pre-made, not to much dilution, reasonably strong gin, ought to be fine too. You’ll thank yourself when your remember it at 10.37pm.

9. If someone wants beer LET THEM

Seriously. One less mouth to feed. Enjoy the party. Individual cocktails are only to be made when there’s five or six of you sitting around at the end.

10. Clear up systematically

The first thing is to throw away all food waste. The second is to gather all the recycling. The third is to put all the glasses/plates/cutlery by the sink or hopefully dishwasher. The fourth is to do any necessary washing up. Do this communally, with a co-host, with music on and gossip to share and it can actually be enjoyable. Assuming you tided your house a bit beforehand, it might all look quite respectable in surprisingly short amount of time - and it will have an additional party afterglow too. There’s a reason they call it housewarming. And remember: hangovers, like cocktails, are best shared communally.